It’s Sunday.
I haven’t written or posted anything to my blog in over 3 weeks.
3 weeks!
To be fair, I have been working on something else. But still…
I feel lazy, unmotivated.
I would almost say “shitty”, but lately, my emotions don’t seem to go past a certain ‘low’, somehow.
It’s actually kind of cool. It’s been like this for a few months.
But still, I don’t feel great. And it seems impossible to get back on the horse, yet, the solution is to start writing again and do the “hard stuff”.
I know it by now.
But I’m just not inspired.
Don’t get me wrong, I have dozens of article ideas lined up on my little black book, my note app, my computer… Title ideas, detailed outlines, sometimes almost entire articles just sitting there, waiting. I just need to finish them.
But I just don’t feel like it.
I don’t feel like anything.
My brain is mush.
I have zero energy. But no distractions.
Movies, series, documentaries… even books don’t interest me at all. They actually annoy the heck out of me.
It seems like I could sit and stare at a wall (or a tree) all day. But it would probably drive me insane, mostly because I would be thinking of all the writing that I’m not doing.
There’s just no winning.
Lately, I’ve been eating shit. Not really following my diet. Drinking way too much. Smoking cigarettes.
Yep, them again.
Basically, doing all the things that are not good for me.
Yes, I know that these things “hurt” me. I can feel it. But knowing it doesn’t make changing my behavior any easier.
Take now for example. I just smoked a cigarette. To be honest, I don’t feel great (physically) after it.
And yet, all I can think about is the next one.
But I only have one cigarette left. Then, what? I go buy another pack? F**ck, it’s like my 5th pack or something in 2 weeks.
Even before “quitting” I didn’t smoke that much!
And do you ever stop craving cigarettes??
Honestly, it’s been a constant pain in my ass for the past 18 months. And it doesn’t seem to get easier.
I could start running again. And, to be fair, I still do, just not as much as I used to. But it’s so hot right now, I feel 10 times shittier after a run. And that shitty feeling lasts for days.
And then you have to keep doing it while feeling shitty.
Ugh.
The (not so) funny thing is…. I know what to do by now, to feel better. To get back on the proverbial horse.
I’ve been doing it for the past 18-24 months. There is no way around it; there’s only one way out.
Through.
- I need to stop smoking.
- Meditate. Be present. Aware.
- Eat well. Cook.
- Get on top of my crap (the mess I’ve created by procrastinating for so long: messy house, unpaid bills, emails piling up, unreturned phone calls, doctor’s appointments…).
- Write.
- And publish.
All this, consistently. Every day for at least 7-14 days. Non-stop.
By then, I will (probably) still feel crappy(ish) but I will also be bursting with ideas again, working enthusiastically until 4 AM; forgetting to eat, sleep, or do my laundry.
But right now, it’s still today.
And today, I’m just crappy, weak old me.
