“I was making regular trips to the office bathroom just to cry.
I was broken.
I went to see my doctor, and just like every time before, he sent me away with a nonchalant, “You’re fine. Take Advil for the pain.”
5 years ago, I was a literal mess.
I was severely depressed, battling chronic wrist and stomach pain for well over a decade (though I didn’t know why back then). I was miserable.
The worst part? I couldn’t remember a time when I hadn’t felt that way, so I didn’t realize something was terribly wrong.
Then one day, I found myself unable to use my hands due to synovial cysts and intense pain in my wrists—and also my back, shoulders, fingers, and feet. I couldn’t feed myself, I couldn’t work, and for the last 2 years, I hadn’t been able to have a conversation beyond “hello, how are you” without crying my heart out.
I was making regular trips to the office bathroom just to cry.
I was broken.
I went to see my doctor, and just like every time before, he sent me away with a nonchalant, “You’re fine. Take Advil for the pain.”
I won’t lie—I was considering ending things for good. But I was raised Christian. So, I didn’t dare.
One day in 2019, I was standing in one of the most beautiful places on earth, watching the sunset. But instead of joy, I felt so much sadness that I sobbed uncontrollably for over an hour.That’s when it hit me: I didn’t use to be this way. Sure, I was always “sensitive,” but not like this.
Something was wrong.
Thus started a years-long battle with my doctor to find psychological help and figure out what was wrong with me—both in my body and in my mind. It was a frustrating (and almost vain) process.
Then the pandemic hit, and things got even worse. I couldn’t work or even function. When I called my doctor, he said something that would change my life for ever. He said: “What do you want me to do”?
That’s when it hit me: If I keep waiting for this guy to find out what’s wrong me and help me, I’m screwed. 10 years had already past and my symptoms kept getting worse, and he never did anything!
After this, things changed. To make a long story short:
I can’t list everything that happened here. But you can read about it on my blog if you’re curious.
The universe had also sent me help in the form of a social worker, Eve. That woman saved my life. She was like a lifeboat. I only had a few weeks with her, at the end of 2019. 4 or 5 sessions, tops. But in that time, she helped me get my head above water just enough to plant the seed of recovery and self-belief that would eventually grow and guide me through my healing journey.
After that, though, I mostly had to rely on myself. In a way, thank God for Covid. That’s when I truly gave myself permission to lock myself in my cocoon and focus solely on healing. It was the most magical time of my life. Yes, I went through hell, but sometimes, in hell, you find salvation. In any case, that’s what it felt like for me.
And then I started this blog (but other things too!) to document my journey. To share with others. To come out of my bubble, because I realized I’d been hiding for so long, I was suffocating. The real me couldn’t breathe. She had been screaming inside for years, but I was stifling her, forcing her to be things she wasn’t.
(Literally. Almost every night, in my dreams, I was just screaming and running away).
I think that’s why, in the end, I couldn’t open my mouth without crying. I also believe that’s why illness shows up. It’s our body’s way of expressing what we ignore. (Seriously, check out Dr. Gabor Maté’s book: When the Body Says No).
Finally, after over 12 months, or 10 years, depending on how you look at it, I was diagnosed with chronic inflammation, rheumatoid arthritis, Sjogren syndrome + other stuff. But that didn’t happen until 2021 (and later).
Today, I’m a different person.
I write for a living (say what?). I’m creative (what??). I’ve built two businesses plus a freelancing career (what???). And despite my chronic illness, I’m healthier than I was in my twenties. I’m happy, practice self-care, have healthier habits, know what foods my body needs to thrive, can identify my toxic behaviors as soon as they show up, have created healthy routines for myself, etc.
I know myself better than ever, I know what my body and mind need to thrive, and I know how to keep myself in check.
Most of the time.
I mean, it hasn’t been smooth sailing either.
I have relapses. I still struggle with my health regularly. I’ve gone back to smoking a few times (ugh), and I’ve had my fair share of challenges over the past few years.
It’s easy to be 100% focused on healing and top-notch habits when you’re locked in your home and seeing no one. It’s harder when you’re dating a smoker (not anymore, though), building a business, attending 2-3 networking events a week, maintaining friendships, and living a life, you know, in the world.
Also, being self-employed is filled with challenges. Even I have to go back to the “lessons” I share here from time to time. That’s also why I started this blog: to remember what I’ve learned. So that I never forget what it was like to come out of the shadows and see the light again. I never want to forget that.
So, welcome to my blog. I hope you find it helpful, or at the very least, interesting. Drop me a message if you feel like it. It always makes me very, very happy!
Sincerely,