Although I found some level of peace a few years ago and managed to radically transform my life, improve my relationships, and enhance my physical and mental health, it doesn’t mean that I no longer suffer or face challenges.
I do. Especially lately.
A few days ago, I made a decision: it was time for me to be more “public” and crank it up a notch when it comes to showing my true self: the good and the bad.
I’ve been hiding for so long! I’m almost obsessed with anonymity, both online and in the real world. But I’ve come to realize that this desire to hide is hindering my growth and preventing personal development or progress.
Everyone on the internet seems to have a great life: a successful business, wonderful relationships, and all the money in the world.
But not many people talk about the “uglier” sides of life—the parts that hold us back, that cause us fear, doubt, and shame.
One of the worst things about emotional suffering, shame, guilt, etc., is believing you’re the only one who feels this way.
We end up hiding what makes us feel ashamed and this perpetuates even more negative feelings, such as loneliness and a sense of not belonging.
And since I am a firm believer in doing what I preach, here we go! Even more radical honesty for you today.
So, here are 6 things I am ashamed of, or ashamed to admit to people at the moment
1. I Don’t Have Close Friends at the Moment
In fact, I’m not even sure I have friends anymore. My boyfriend was my best friend and he left without looking back after almost a decade of friendship (and 7+ years of an on-and-off relationship).
My closest (girl) friend slept with (and is now dating), the guy I liked (after the breakup).
And my third closest friend started dating my cousin a few years ago, and when things went south between them a few months back, he disappeared and stopped taking my calls.
I have acquaintances, but I’m so thirsty for meaningful relationships!
But that’s probably also part of the problem: that sort of neediness for love that’s creeping back up. Ugh, I thought we were done!
I don’t know what to do with superficial friendships. They make me feel even more… disconnected or like I don’t belong. Like I shouldn’t even be here.
Moreover, I don’t have the time or the energy to prioritize building new, deep relationships at the moment.
And it also hurts to realize I’ve put so much effort into building these meaningful relationships, only to find out that the other person/people didn’t care about it as much.
(If you feel this way, remember that that’s not necessarily the case. People are just dealing with their own shit and they have different levels of consciousness too. So they act according to the level of consciousness they are experiencing at that moment).
Anyway. I’m feeling particularly unloved at the moment.
2. My Boyfriend Dumped Me, As If What We Had Meant Nothing to Him
I thought we were happy, but he woke up one day and left. He didn’t try to talk about it, to remain friends, or to handle things respectfully—like, you know, pay our joint bills before leaving and other mundane (but important) stuff like that.
I know it’s not “about me” per se. He has issues.
Still, it’s hard not to feel crappy when the person who you thought loved you the most suddenly removes you from their life without even trying to talk it out.
(He eventually did, but months later, and it still pains me…).
I feel ashamed about it because, when a person (who everybody thinks is “so great”) suddenly dumps you like garbage, you kinda feel like everyone thinks you might be the problem.
Heck, even I wondered what I had done, for weeks!
Deep, deep down, I fear that everyone else will now know that I’m a horrible girlfriend, unworthy of love, and incapable of even basic respect from my boyfriend (or my best friend).
And that they will reject me even more.
My mom also stopped talking to me out of nowhere during that time. For months she was distant and cold (or simply mean), whereas before we would talk at least once per day.
This, plus everything else going on in my life at the moment, reinforced that feeling of rejection and unworthiness.
It sucks.
3. I Am Financially Poor At The Moment
The reality is, I don’t earn enough money to meet my basic needs, and it’s been like this for almost 2 years.
I won’t go into details, but I’ve discussed the impact of my illnesses on my ability to work and perform certain tasks.
Related post: I Have Sjogren’s Syndrome and This Is How I Deal With Severe Dry Eyes
Lately, money money has been constantly present in my mind.
I wouldn’t say that I’m particularly stressed about it, but it’s like a shadow looming over me every second of every day.
I’m always wondering where the next paycheck is going to come from and what I’ll be doing next.
But that’s also a personal choice I made. I decided to go all in and give my all to my health, my blog, and my Etsy shop (that was last year) for as long as I could, while doing some freelance work and working part-time on the side to get some cash.
4. I feel ashamed of my illness (like I’m “less”; like I’m not capable; like I’m a burden)
If I want to see people and not live like a hermit, alone, in my studio, then it usually implies that I will have to talk about having an autoimmune disease, my diet (the Wahls protocol/AIP diet), and explain the things I can or cannot do.
Every. Single. Time.
That’s because most people you meet want to “grab a coffee,” “go out for drinks”, or “have lunch”, and I have to constantly explain why I can’t eat and why I can’t do certain things.
The repetition is a pain in the b**t. I hate it so much!
It’s one of the reasons why I avoid people.
Having to constantly narrate such a limiting story about myself just depresses me. (That is, on top of having to, you know, actually deal with multiple chronic illnesses on a day-to-day basis).
When I’m alone, I don’t have to constantly say (out loud) limiting stuff about me. But with others, I do. Especially when meeting new people because the people who knew me are no longer in my life.
So anyway, this constant mention of my illness and my struggles causes me a lot of frustration and shame. It’s emotionally exhausting.
I wish I were normal, that I could spend a “normal” day with “normal people” doing “normal stuff”, grab anything I want, and just eat it.
I know it’s ridiculous, that nobody is “normal,” and that my illness also brought me joy, peace, and transformation. Still… It’s hard.
Related posts:
The Challenges of Life with an Invisible Illness
I Tried The Wahls Diet And This Happened
5. Where I Am In My Professional Life
I was an A student, attended some of the best private schools, won prestigious scholarships, and landed my dream government job.
Now I wash floors and sell cheese part-time, blog for no income, or do freelancing gigs for little to no pay. And it’s hard to justify why I’m doing these things to others, so I hide a lot.
(To be fair, no one has made nasty comments about my choices, ever. But still… I feel the shame).
I also have big goals, and I’m nowhere near them at the moment. And I don’t seem to be getting closer to them.
Part of me feels like I could fight for 5 more years if I had to. I believe in my goals, but also, I don’t have a choice: it might be difficult to work a traditional job with my “conditions”, so I have to make it work.
But still… when things don’t work out after 6 months in business, you can deal with it. When things don’t work out after 3 years in business, you start to wonder if you are a failure. The more time passes, the further I am from reaching my goals, the more that feeling of shame grows inside of me.
6. I Feel Unworthy of Being Even in The Same Room As (More) “Successful” People
This realization came about after journaling about it for like 2 hours.
I think that deep, deep, deep down, in the far corners of my subconscious, I feel unworthy of being friends with (more) “successful” people, speaking to them on the phone, or even being in the same room as them.
Unworthy of their love, time, and respect… because I am such a loser.
It’s an insidious and destructive thought that has to be dealt with (and eliminated). But, at the moment, it’s there somewhere in the back of my mind, in the innermost chambers of my heart, weighing me down.
So, I’ve been isolating even more from my former friends, and the type of people who could actually make a difference in my life.
I haven’t been journaling as much as I should. I’ve been wallowing in my pain.
I think I should stop now.
Final Words
So anyway, that sums it up.
Now you know all the things that are causing me shame, or that I am afraid (or ashamed) to admit to myself, let alone share with the world!
These situations + comparing myself to others evoke feelings of shame and inferiority, especially since I perceive myself as falling short in various aspects of life such as career, relationships, health or wealth.
I know these things are not true, and I always try to manage myself and control my mindset through journaling, mindfulness, CBT, etc.…
But the roads to health/holistic wellness + entrepreneurship + self-improvement are hard individually. And I’m doing all three at once! With little to no support (no husband to share the financial burdens with, no family nearby to call for help) …
So, I suppose it’s normal to feel overwhelmed at times. The key is to not stay there for too long.
Ok, now your turn: are there things you are ashamed of that are eating at your confidence? Leave a comment or send me an email if you want to share!
Read next: 9 Ways To Pull Yourself Out of a Downward Spiral
*Edit: It’s been only two months since I wrote this and I can’t even believe I wrote these things. It feels like it was a lifetime ago. Right now I feel at peace, at ease, happy even! I’m back to being my old self and I’m so glad! I’ve also made new friends (these friendships are still new but fulfilling nonetheless), I’m also meeting lots of interesting people and other entrepreneurs, and I have faith in my goals and the future. My energy is totally different from what it was when I wrote this post. This is just to show you that just because things are bleak at the moment, doens’t mean they will always be like that. Have faith, do the work and keep moving through the pain.
