I decided to stop hating my life… and it’s working. Here’s what’s up
Exactly 2 months after writing this blog post, I can officially say that I’m no longer miserable and no longer hate my life.
And to be honest, I stopped being miserable about 3–4 weeks ago.
It’s crazy how fast the change happened!
I don’t remember exactly what I wrote two months ago, but it’s precisely for that reason that I want to record the difficult moments here, not only the “wins”. Because once we decide to take a different path, we can clearly see whether there has been progress or not.
Ok, I decided to go read my posts from two months ago. Thought I would compare then and now.
If you are curious, you can find them both here:
- When life sucks, or the ups and downs of navigating change
- So, I decided to stop being a miserable person. Here’s how it’s going
Two months later, the update
In the very first one, I wrote:
Right now, I am the saucisson.
And I have (very) little to no routine or discipline.
And almost no faith that what awaits is indeed better.”
Well, I can tell you that what was ahead was indeed better.
So much better than I could have ever imagined. And it was only days away!
I now have a job that I LOVE so much.
If I had written on a piece of paper all the things I looked for in my perfect job (reduced and flexible work hours so I can prioritise my health, interesting and challenging work, opportunities to level up and prove myself, a wonderful manager (someone kind, who trusts me, supports me, offers training and knowledge, etc.), a team of expert colleagues who are real beasts in their fields, etc.), I don’t think I would have dared to write it all down.
And I certainly wouldn’t have EVER believed that I could find it all in one place.
Turns out, I could, and I did.
And they are the ones who came looking for me.
Seriously.
“Okay, yes, my health is a lot better now.
But I’m still not entirely sure I have the physical capacity to face a full-time job.
I really don’t want to get ill again. And this thought scares the shit out of me.”
Turns out, I do have the capacity to face a full-time(ish) job. And my health is even better than it was before getting this job.
If that’s not a freaking miracle, I don’t know what is.
Of course, the first couple of weeks were brutal. But then my manager demonstrated how great he was. We talked about it and we made some adjustments.
And then my body also got stronger.
“On top of that, finding a job is proving to be difficult.
And finding a job that requires less than the usual 40h/week is like looking for a unicorn. My ideal would be around 30h/week (25 if miracles exist, but hey, I also have bills to pay, loans to reimburse, and lots of debt. LOTS).”
Well, believe it or not, that job pays me 40% more than “the best” I thought I could hope for.
And I didn’t even have to negotiate or fight to get that. They straight up made me this incredible offer (that I still can’t believe I got a month later).
Not only can I live, but I have enough to start paying back my loans and debts. And perhaps even put money aside!
Oh, and did I mention that they hired me at 25h/week? (But I can do less or more if I want to.)
A freaking miracle, I’m telling you.
“I feel lost. Scared. Full of doubts.”
To be completely transparent, I still felt this way up until last week. And I will probably keep feeling like this from time to time.
Even after I got this job (but it’s about more than just the job. I’ll get into that in a bit), I still felt like it was too good to be true.
That they would wake up one day and realize they made a mistake by choosing me. That I would inevitably disappoint them (and myself) in some way.
What changed since last week? Nothing much, but:
- My manager. Did I mention how truly wonderful he is? He consistently notices, talks, listens, adjusts. I even burst into tears in week 2. I was tired, my body was struggling, and I was scared of messing up. But he remained confident and said things like “I believe in you, I know that once you get what you need, you will be a machine”. No one has ever said things like that to me.
- Results started showing. Positive ones. In the first 3 weeks, things were challenging and I felt like I was doing everything wrong. But then one of my clients went from “pissed” to “so pleased” that he literally found three different ways to tell me how happy he was with my work.
- I’m getting along with my colleagues, even the ones who were a bit more, um, challenging at first.
- Other things started happening too but I will spare you the details.
I’m slowly starting to feel a bit calmer, a bit less like a scared little animal waiting and expecting to be kicked out at any moment. I’m beginning to have a bit more faith and it’s good for my soul.
“So yeah. I am exhausted.
And overall, I’m feeling pretty low.”
Guys, I’m waking up excited and with a smile now. Even when I’m tired or sleep deprived.
I’m eager to “go to work” and face the challenges of the day. (Well, it’s a work-from-home situation, but you see what I mean).
“So yeah, I’m sharing this here today.
That way, in 6, 12, or 24 months, when things are different (hopefully better), I can look back on the progress made and the challenges overcome.”
Well, it didn’t take 12 months. It took 4 to 6 weeks.
And things are not only different, they are better!
What actually changed
The next day, in this post, I wrote this:
“Yesterday, I started telling you about this weird phase I’ve been in lately.
By weird I mean:
- Depressed
- Angry at the world, God, the Universe. My situation. My finances. Myself. The people who have wronged me, or abandoned me. I could go on, but you get the picture.
- Confused about where I’m going or what I’m doing.
- Lost.”
I am no longer mad at the Universe or God.
And, although I never thought I would ever say this but I now pray daily, many times per day even. As a consequence, I feel grateful and supported. I also feel a lot more hopeful (and empowered) regarding my finances. And I have a much clearer idea of where I want to go.
“So I decided to try something else. I decided to follow my own advice.
You know, the advice I share here?
And here I am, back at square one. Because I realised something recently: I’m no longer the person who wrote all the wonderful advice you see on this blog.
(…)
But I’ve also:
- Gone back to smoking weed again (even cigarettes, but I finally quit last year)
- Let myself get submerged by negative, defeatist, self-pitying thoughts
- Stopped journaling
- Stopped practising gratitude daily, as well as meditation
- Etc.
I’m just never at peace anymore.
And I haven’t experienced that feeling of bliss that was my quasi-normal 4–5 years ago, in ages.”
I am happy to report that:
- I am almost 3 months weed-free (and still haven’t touched a cigarette in about 15 months)
- I pray when negative and defeatist thoughts show their nose. It helps A LOT
- I went back to journaling but I still don’t give it as much time as I should
- I practise gratitude daily 🙂
My mindset has dramatically shifted and it’s also reflecting in my outer world.
Things seem to just happen for me. As if something “unlocked” in the Universe.
The only thing that hasn’t changed is my friendship with my ex.
No, that’s not exact. Things have changed but I will get into that in another post.
Maybe.
“So anyway.
I’m trying to stop being a miserable person, and that’s where I’m at.”
I’ll be honest, I had already forgotten I was that miserable.
It’s as if a year has passed since I wrote those things.
I am so grateful for all these doors that are opening for me!
If you’re currently hating your life
If you skipped the full post and still wonder: “Okay Steph, but what exactly did you do for all this to happen?”
The truth is, I don’t know if I made it happen.
But what I did do is:
- I stopped doing the things that were hurting me the most (smoking, thinking negative thoughts, being scared)
- I practised gratitude, journaled, and took risks that aligned with what I wanted (for instance, I wrote a LinkedIn post that listed all the things I was looking for… and it showed up at my door)
- I pray daily. It doesn’t matter who you pray to (God, the Universe, yourself). But I practised faith, letting go, self-control, and surrender, and in the midst of all this, focusing on what truly matters (your inner life)
- I show up every day, aka discipline. I identified a handful of non-negotiables (my eye health, management of my chronic illness, my anti-inflammatory diet, and being a “good employee” who brings value to the company I work for and who is not satisfied with doing the bare minimum), and identified steps to do just that. And then I do just that. And I’m okay with the other things that are falling behind for the moment. I understand that it’s a phase and that I can’t fight on all fronts all at once.
So yeah. For the first time in a long time, I am eager and excited about the future. And I no longer hate my life.
I don’t know what the Universe or God have in store for me, but I’m excited to find out 🙂
Okay your turn. How are YOU feeling, really?
