When Life Sucks or The Ups and Downs of Navigating Change
One of the main difficulties when you are “transitioning” is that you are no longer the thing you left behind, but you are not yet the thing you are moving towards.
And so there comes a point where you find yourself in a no man’s land, stuck in the middle.
You don’t belong anywhere.
You’re just lost.
It’s as if you are crossing a canyon, but can’t see the bridge.
Maybe you left one side because it was burning, and you were running toward the other side because it looked so damn greener from afar.
Whatever your reasons, you are now in the middle, hanging above 1,000 ft of nothingness, like a French saucisson, and all you see is the void below you.
At that point, the only thing that can keep you going is either:
- Faith: that 1) what awaits on the other side is better, and 2) you CAN get to the other side. Or
- Discipline and routine. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter how scared you are, or how many doubts you have.
Right now, I am the saucisson.
And I have (very) little to no routine or discipline.
And almost no faith that what awaits is indeed better.
What am I talking about?
Well, I’m leaving my freelancing and entrepreneurial life behind me to go back to a salaried job.
The problem is, I haven’t done that in 5 years.
And the last time I was in that boat, I was struggling with limitations due to my chronic illness, which made my life pretty miserable.
Work was hell. And the more I pushed, the worse I was making things for myself.
Until I reached a breaking point and was forced to quit.
Best decision of my life, but still…
Okay, yes, my health is a lot better now (!)
But I’m still not entirely sure I have the physical capacity to face a full-time job.
I really don’t want to get ill again. And this thought scares the shit out of me.
On top of that, finding a job is proving to be difficult.
And finding a job that requires less than the usual 40h/week is like looking for a unicorn. My ideal would be around 30h/week (25 if miracles exist, but hey, I also have bills to pay, loans to reimburse, and lots of debt. LOTS).
So here I am, above the precipice.
I have officially turned my back on my past life, in many ways.
But I’m not yet immersed in the new one.
I’m applying to jobs, studying for shit I don’t understand so I can “not suck too much” during interviews, even preparing for a very competitive public service exam (a process that takes months. Yeah, you heard that right: months).
I feel lost. Scared. Full of doubts.
And just so you know, I didn’t start feeling like this yesterday.
But more like the past 18–24 months.
So yeah. I am exhausted.
And overall, I’m feeling pretty low.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because I don’t only share “the good” here.
Yes, this blog is (was) about my recovery and all the wonderful things I learned in the past 5 years.
But once I was out of depression, it wasn’t just rainbows and sunshine.
And even when you do manage to get your shit together, understand how things work, and know how to manage yourself… it still doesn’t mean that you have it all figured out forever.
And it certainly doesn’t mean that you’ll never feel bad ever again.
We’re humans.
So yeah, I’m sharing this here today.
That way, in 6, 12, or 24 months, when things are different (hopefully better), I can look back on the progress made and the challenges overcome.
And also, I don’t know about you, but sometimes, when your life feels shitty, it helps to read about other people’s shitty lives. You feel less alone.
So, hopefully, this story about my shitty chapter helps you feel less alone.
