How to Stop Being a Miserable Person

Yesterday, I started telling you about this weird phase I’ve been in lately.

By weird I mean:

Depressed
Angry at the world, God, the Universe. My situation. My finances. Myself. The people who have wronged me, or abandoned me. I could go on, but you get the picture.
Confused about where I’m going or what I’m doing.
Lost.

And by “lately”, I mean probably the past 12–18 months, but with a particular high (or should I say “low”) in the past 2–3 months.

Maybe it has to do with the holidays, which I still hate.

Or the fact that I’m running out of money…

And options.

Nevertheless, I’ve been LOW.

Not a little low.

SUPER low.

The “I’m not sure I can continue living if things stay like this” type of low.

Anyway, I won’t get into it (again).

My point is… I’ve decided to do something about it.

Not that I hadn’t been doing something about it. But whatever it is I thought I was doing, obviously hasn’t been working.

If anything, things are worse.

So I decided to try something else. I decided to follow my own advice. You know, the advice I share here?

So here I am, back at square one.

Because I realised something recently: I’m no longer the person who wrote all the wonderful advice you see on this blog.

homemade chicken broth on the stove — Making my homemade chicken broth

Yes, I’m still an improved version of the person I was 6–7 years ago:

I’m a lot more aware
I take better care of myself
I have a much healthier diet
I’ve healed most of my chronic illness symptoms
I exercise regularly (ish)

But I’ve also:

Gone back to smoking weed again (even cigarettes, but I finally quit last year)
Let myself get submerged by negative, defeatist, self-pitying thoughts
Stopped journaling
Stopped practising gratitude daily, as well as meditation
Etc.

I’m just never at peace anymore.

And I haven’t experienced that feeling of bliss that was my quasi-normal 4–5 years ago, in ages.

I’ve dropped the ball.

And I’m slowly starting to remember that it was all those small, seemingly insignificant things that had led me out of that bottomless pit I was in 6 years ago.

And so, I’m slowly, painfully picking myself back up, in the midst of all this turmoil I’m in.

For instance: yesterday, I finally faced my fear and opened my blog again.

Yes, this blog that you are reading (or not) right now.

And I wrote (and published) an article.

Boy, did it feel good after.

Journal on a table at the library — Journaling at the library

I remember 5 years ago writing a post (I never published) that explained how writing on my blog was helping me keep my neurotic thoughts in check.

Call me crazy, but I swear, it does.

So after spending nearly 2 years without writing a single word on my blog (and barely paying attention to my journal), you can imagine the impact on my mental health.

Let me spell it out for you: C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-I-C.

Yes, I had a feeling I should go back to writing on my blog.

But I was writing on LinkedIn, and I had decided to stick to it for at least 12–24 months.

And I had too much on my plate to manage my blog, LinkedIn, Etsy, my clients, a part-time job, and all the requirements of my illness (AIP diet, cooking all my meals, exercising, stretching twice per day, etc.).

So I had to make a choice.

I’m not sure it was the “right” choice. But I don’t think there are right or wrong choices. There are just choices and consequences.

That’s the choice I made at the time.

And now, I choose to make a different one. Or different ones.

So here are a few choices I’ve made recently:

I smoked my last joint 12 days ago. Ugh, it’s hard. I keep asking myself daily, “why are you doing this again?” I don’t really feel any improvement, that’s what sucks. It just sucks, with no upside. (But I’m probably being dramatic. Maybe if I thought real hard about it, I could find upsides.)
I started journaling again. So far, only 3 entries since the end of the year, but they’ve been long ones.
I’m writing my second blog post as we speak.
I went back to my morning “prayer”. But I’m inconsistent because I never feel like doing anything, ever. Picking back up every ball you dropped is an internal and mental struggle. Btw, if you’re curious, I wrote a while back about how to make yourself do the things you know you should do but don’t feel like doing… maybe I should read it again.
I’m ignoring my ex. We’ve been “friends” for the last 2 years, but I’m not sure it’s serving me. I love the guy, and he’s my best friend. I’m also very short on friends, and I feel extra lonely. So I hold on to him. But deep down, I have a feeling he could be the reason why I’m feeling so… empty. Maybe there is no point in staying friends. Maybe I need to move on. 5 years ago, he was out of my life and I was happiest. But ever since he came back in, life has sorta sucked. Guess how long he’s been back in my life? 18–24 months.

Also, in my prayer of the day, the word “gratitude” came back a few times, and I realised I had stopped practising daily, conscious gratitude. So I’m adding it to my list.

Trouble is, I have a heavy, difficult, emotional week ahead of me.

For example, we have to have a talk with my father about his funeral arrangements. He’s 80 years old, in a country where airports are closed, we can’t visit or be there in person, and we need to be prepared for the unthinkable. I won’t get into the details.

But I gotta remember to be grateful in the midst of all that.

So anyway.

I’m trying to stop being a miserable person, and that’s where I’m at.

I’ll add an update in a few weeks or months to share how it’s going.

What about you, are you miserable at the moment?

How’s that working out for you?